Somethings I learned about my calling during my search for my calling

My PA school journey begins tomorrow with a full week of orientation and then classes get going (for real) on August 11th.   I'm nervous, excited, and to be honest still have moments of doubt...I most of all feel really blessed to have this opportunity to go to school where they bring the toughest of the tough cases.  I really don't know where this journey is going to lead and who knows it could be right back to the yoga studio or athletic training room...BUT I am excited to get started with it!

Time is funny.  In someways it seems like I have been looking for a "calling" forever and somedays I feel like it just began.  Esther de Waal wrote these words about St. Benedict in the book Seeking God "For him (St. Benedict), life in Christ means life through a succession of opening doors, not a life that is always static or safe."  And this has seemed to hold pretty true for me thus far as well.  God has not chosen to send me a lightening bolt or a talking donkey to direct me on which way to go next.  But He has seemed to use open and closed doors to get me to where I am now.  Some I walked through in faith with my knees shaking, others I jumped in with both feet.  At times, it has seemed like just a little light has been shone before each next step.  To be honest, I really did not like those times.  I really wanted to see how it all fit or at least be making progress in figuring out how the puzzle pieces fit.  But as I look back, I see that I was given some tidbits about living out my calling that should come in handy as I start this new journey.

 First off, "who I am determines what I do." Neil Anderson used these words in his book Victory Over the Darkness, and they were significantly used in my life during the Spring of 2010 when a relationship was falling apart, and I was struggling with my identity in the process.  I had struggled throughout the relationship with flip-flopping this statement, and it did not work.  In fact, there is a whole lot of pressure to perform when what you do determines who you are.  So throughout the healing process, God brought me back to this statement (thanks, Andi for lending me this book!).   It is always refreshing to me like a breath of fresh air when I see this truth.  Os Guiness describes it in his words as "do what you are."  I am a child of God, first and foremost.  That is my starting place and what I have to constantly remind myself.  Thankfully, at any point in the day, I can jump into the arms of my good Father and go from there.

Once I have the correct starting place, calling becomes more of a response and less of a responsibility.  Os Guiness describes calling in these words. "Calling is the truth that God calls us to himself so decisively that everything we are, everything we do and everything we have is invested with a special devotion and dynamism lived out as a response to his summons and service."  There is such a big difference in responsibility and response.  Responsibility feels weighty and heavy.  Response feels natural, organic and light.  Here's the catch though...sometimes it is easier to go into responsibility mode for me.  Turn the autopilot on, get the to do list done, and just get the job done.  It's boring when I am in responsibility mode in life and in my relationship with God; life turns stale.  However, to live the response type of life and calling, I have to be listening and listening intently.  And listening intently does not come natural to me.  I need help in "giving my entire attention to what God is doing right now" (Matthew 6:34 The Message).  So often I can be distracted by uncertainty, fears or other people's opinions... these stifle the response type of life and that stifles my calling.  

Dan Allender gave me another couple tidbits about living out my calling in an article he wrote (which I highly recommend) entitled Getting Caught by Your Calling (shoutout to Kate for passing this article on to me while we were all in the Treehouse).  He said, "Calling is not what we do - but how we do it." This one sits well with me on one hand because also I think it entails freedom.  You really can do anything.  Yoga teacher, floor sweeper, ice cream scooper...anything.  However, it does matter if you love others while doing it and what direction your heart is going while you're doing it.  So why am I taking the time and effort (and spending the money) to go back to school when I can do anything, I ask?!?  Well, I am still working on answering this question, but for some reason I feel like God can use someone like me in this profession.  

To be honest, I don't feel perfectly equipped for this next task, but I also think that is right where God wants me.  When I look at Aaron and Moses, I don't see people that thought they were perfectly equipped to do the task they were called to do but that is what gives God the most glory.  And when I look at history, I also see people like Eunice from the movie Miss Ever's Boys which is based on the real story about the nurse assigned to the controversial Tuskegee Experiment in Alabama.   She also did not feel equipped to do the job she was called to do.  But her Dad encouraged her to stick with it by saying, "If you thought there was nothing you could do you would not have become a nurse in the first place." This quote resonates with me because for some reason I just think there is something I can do, some way God wants to use me in it.  And as Dan Allender also states in his article, "My calling is to walk through any door God gives me in order to reveal his glory...I am called by God not for a mere season or reason, but for an eternity to reveal his glory.  What is my calling?  It is to make known something about God that is bound to my unique face, name, and story.  It is to reveal God through my character."

So really, there is no limit to what He can do through me.  Jesus fed the five thousand with only five loaves of bread and two fish and had twelve extra baskets left over (Matthew 14:13-21).  And He wants to work the same miracles in my life.  But so often, all I see are the limitations.  I see the time crunches and my mediocre test-taking ability and start to get raddled.  My perspective is really the issue here. I want the old hymn to whisper to me in these moments to "Ponder anew what the Almighty can do." This quote came back in my life after I got back from the medical ship and was wondering what exactly God had next.  How would He ever be able to top my last experience?  In reality, God sees what I cannot see.  So may I be willing, able and ready to jump in to this next season in faith, listening intently, and ready to respond.